The
crisp 40 degree wind nipped at my nose and frightened my bare fingers. Ahhh…fresh air, time alone (!) and a winding
wooded path ahead. My natural
response? An old song that that comes effortlessly:
"Oh God, you are my God. And I will
ever praise you..." Oh don't go
imagining that any of that was in tune or in the right key, or even out loud. It wasn't.
But in my mind it was perfect.
Anyway,
I'm out walking, singing silently when I remember the first time I crooned this
tune…
Back
in college I visited my boyfriend's childhood home over an extended break. His
mother....oh Mom Beers, how I love you...his mother loved on me in ways I
didn't think humanly possible. She didn't lavish me with gifts, or a Martha
Stewart reception, but she loved me with her whole heart, a heart wholly in
love with Jesus.
I
woke up the first morning in her home, in a place where Jesus truly had made a
home, and my natural response? A
song. I sang that same song, not quietly
to myself, but out loud. I sang with all
the heart I had and somehow even wished Mom Beers would hear me and come in,
for I just knew she would sit down and sing with me (although I really didn't
even know her yet). "Oh God, you
are my God. And I will ever praise You. I will seek you in the morning and I will
learn to walk in your ways, and step by step you'll lead me, and I will follow
you all of my days." (Please, just
imagine a good ‘ol 80’s style Rich Mullens tune).
Now
here I am, twenty years later, singing the same old gig, seeking the same good God,
asking for the same thing. "Lord, teach me to walk in your ways. Lead me step by step. Yet again, I promise to follow you all of my
days."
Until
I tore my ACL last May, walking was my time alone with God. Even when I was walking with one child in a stroller,
another biking with training wheels, and two more defying death ahead of me on the
sidewalk, I was alone with my thoughts and my God. Because of the surgery, my lifestyle shifted
suddenly and so did my habits. Fresh-air
time waned. My God conversations
dwindled. My life, like my lungs longing
for the crisp whip of the wind, felt stagnant. I need to take a walk…
"Where
have you been?" I asked the Lord.
"Right
here" He said. I knew that. I wanted to know why I felt so alone.
"Then
why haven't I heard you?" I asked.
"You
haven't been listening, My child."
"Lord,
I'm tired. I'm confused. I can hardly get around properly and there is
so much to do. The children ask so much
of me and right now I feel like an empty of cup of coffee at 6AM. I don’t want to care for any more needs. I just want a friend.” I let it all hang out. He listened.
“Like
tonight. I just wanted to enjoy the
Christmas Candlelight Service, but what did they need? A jacket on the floor (not to wear mind you,
just to have out of her sister's hands), a bulletin to draw on, a lap to sleep
on, a shoulder to lean on (three of them - at the same time!), an ear to hear
their complaints about it being too dark, and too cold, and this taking too
long. And I haven’t even mentioned the
head-butt right into my nose as I leaned over to counsel the sulking 10-yr
old. I'm tired of giving. I have nothing left to give. I want to enjoy this precious family and
instead I resent what little I have left at the end of the day."
Crickets. (Remember - I was there listening for His
voice, right?)
"Lord?" Had I walked too far off the path?
"Are
you ready? You're not going to like my answer." He replied.
I
wasn't ready, but I couldn't stand the thought of walking away from His
voice. "Bring it on. I just need to hear from You."
"Tracey,
are you tired of responding to children who act just like you?"
The
crickets were now having a family reunion.
"You
come to me only when you need something.
You only come to get something – get peace of mind, get time alone, get wisdom
for life. You, like your children, come
to meet your needs. When was the last
time you came just to meet Me? Just to
receive My love? Just to be my beloved?
You don't know Me yet, Tracey.
You only know the law."
It's
been a one-way street, this following Jesus all of my days. I think I've been
giving Him my early mornings, my (sporadic) prayers, my time in His Word, but
in reality, it's Jesus who has been giving me all I ask for; giving me all I
come to take; giving me all I think I "need". I come to receive counsel and He
counsels. I come seeking comfort and He
soothes. I come to gain protection and
He defends. He offers more than I can
ask or imagine, and the only thing I offer is another unfulfilled need. No wonder I don't really know Him yet.
"But
I want to know you Jesus! I want to know
what people mean when they sing, 'What a friend I have in Jesus.' But in all honesty
I don't really have a clue! You are
God. You are my Savior and Redeemer...but
are you really my Friend?"
This
following Jesus is not like following a law.
The law requires that I do all sorts of things "right" for
Jesus. In fact, that’s what I do
best. I do my devotionals. I do school with the children. I do the dishes, the laundry, and sometimes
even diner. I can do all sorts of
things, but I can’t do a relationship with Jesus.
Following
Jesus is more like yearning after a dear friend. Jesus may have come to earth to fulfill the
law, but He also came with arms full of grace and truth (John 1:14). Like a subject under the law, I considered
Him the King whom I earn the right to stand before. But with arms full of Grace, He is more like
the loving Father who, after nearly losing His beloved child to certain death, celebrates
her very presence and delights in her company.
The Law requires doing what needs to be done so I can receive what I
think I deserve. Grace offers what I
don't deserve at all - a Savior, a Redeemer, and yes, even a Friend. If I abide by the law, my needs are met. If I abide by Grace, I meet Jesus in my
needs.
What
a difference it would make if I acted like the Christian I claim to be - a
little Christ. Instead of doing so much
and drowning in all my children's needs, I may just be for my children what
Christ is for me – a counselor, a defender, a protector, a friend.
Might
I Pray for Us?
Dearest
Jesus,
I
want to learn to replace the law with Grace.
I want to learn to follow You. Not
follow another set of requirements that wear me out, but follow after You as
one seeking the companionship of a dear friend.
And yet, I shy away from relationship and seek You merely to fulfill
another need. Help me to stop do-ing
what I think will earn my right to stand in your presence, and help me be
in relationship with You. Help me to see
my relationships here on earth as a reflection of Your relationship with me – not
a set of laws to follow in order to earn their affection, but rather an
opportunity to be in relationship with my children. Be their counselor. Be their comforter. Be their defender. Be their friend.
I
love you, Jesus. Forgive me for treating you like a tyrant king and grant me
Grace to be-friend You in my weaknesses.
Amen.
Words
of Affirmation:
“We
have almost forgotten that God is a Person…The continuous and unembarrassed
interchange of love and thought between God and the soul of the redeemed man is
the throbbing heart of New Testament religion."
-A.W.
Tozer: The Pursuit of God
Notes
of Encouragement:
This
song from Third Day caught me off guard while washing the dishes. I love singing along with his deep, deep
voice. Click here to sing along with me.
.jpg)
.jpg)
Enter in Love
Day. .jpg)
Love Day
started on the all-expected February 14th when Sam, in all the wisdom
of Solomon, lamented, "I wish we had Valentine’s Day every
month!" Now I'm sure his wish had everything to do with scoring
extra sugar on a monthly basis, but he had a point. Why not love regular into
these precious little hearts? Why not
establish a tradition of long-expected affection? Isn’t that just what our heavenly Father
does? Love passionately; love patiently. Love with a deep, deep love that, like the song testifies, is vast, unmeasured, boundless, and free? Sam was onto something. Every month’s 14th day was
hereafter proclaimed, “Love Day.”.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
“No hiding
place has ever kept her save,” He says. “So
she hides inside herself. Now to reach
her heart the only way, is to hide in there as well. I will hide in there as well.” (I Will Find a Way, Jason Gray on the album Christmas Stories) 
